2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 370 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Why I have been a shitty friend

Here are some reasons why I have been a shitty friend, sister, daughter and probably even fiancé for the last 2..well almost 3, years.

1. I have 3 children, 2 are boys who are the exact same age. They are always, ALWAYS into something, spilling dog food everywhere, dumping laundry baskets, milk, food and pantry contents. Pulling every pot and pan out of the cupboard, pulling the vent covers off, pulling chairs down on top of themselves, pulling their sister’s hair, pulling the dog’s hair, pulling the cat’s hair. Putting things down the vents, putting things in their mouths, putting things in the dog’s mouth. Fighting with each other, fighting with me, fighting with their sister. If you have never known the frustration of having two toddlers hanging off your legs, fighting over you and pushing you, while you try to cook, clean or do generally anything, then please don’t judge me. Also remember, they cause this much destruction in our own home, a home that has been baby proofed as much as it can be, so forget going to someone else’s house. The rare occasion we have to enter someone else’s home, I can feel a grey hair sprout from my scalp with every breakable they seize, ever cupboard they open, ever stair they threaten to tumble down.

2. I work, for awhile it was at 2 different jobs, and I do photography, all in an attempt to help my family make ends meet.

3. Just about every moment that I am not working, I am with my kids, fighting a futile fight on laundry and house work and trying to keep 5 humans fed and clean. If I am lucky, 3 times a week or so, I actually take a couple of these moments to shower..and if I am going really crazy, to brush my hair 

4. I live in a perpetual state of exhaustion, I haven’t slept through a night in 2.5 years. Haven’t slept past 7am in 6 years, well..maybe on a very rare occasion in the 4 years prior to the twins arrival. It may not be healthy but I admit, I drink way to much coffee, rely on a glass of wine to help un-coil my nerves at the end of the day, and don’t eat nearly enough or as well as I should. Yes I lost weight…no it isn’t because I had time to exercise,  it was because on an average day of work I walk about 8 km… I wore a step counter, I know. It was because,  in an average meal I spend at least half the time putting children back in their chair, fetching milk and cleaning up spills. By the time I get to my own food, it is usually cold and I have lost my appetite. It is because,  just to take my daughter to school, I have to dress and wrangle 3 kids out the door and into the van by 7:50am, this is a feat that leaves me sweating.

Ahh, I am sure the list probably could go on, but the kids are in the dog food again.

I don’t write any of this for sympathy, or the want of help. I do get plenty from family and I appreciate it infinitely. I know there are people with much harder lives then mine, I don’t write this to complain even. I only hope to give you a glimpse of my days, so you can understand. This is my life,  I love my kids and I am happy.  I wish I could return the help, and one day I will. One day I will be a good friend again,  please  don’t give up on me, that day will come. There will be no more diapers and baby sitters and crying and owies to kiss. I will have my freedom to once again be there for the other people I love when they need me. But while my children are young, I will do everything I can to be there for them, to be strong and help them grown to be the best people they can. So don’t give up, just understand,  for now, to be a good mom, I have to be a shitty friend.

If I had Time

When I started this blog in the spring, I set a goal to myself that once a week I would post..Post one blog entry a week…that doesn’t seem so hard. Only it has been approx 8 or so months and I have posted..hmmm about 4 times. Wohoo…oh wait, no that is terrible.

I see all these cool and hilarious blogs done by other, people, mothers are the ones especially that I follow, http://www.scarymommy.com,  www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns,  www.chicagonow.com/moms-who-drink-and-swear. To be perfectly honest..I only get a chance to read those one in a blue moon as well.

3 kids, 2 of which are toddlers who are almost 2. Work, school, activities…trying to keep these little hellions from eating us out of house and home and stopping them on their paths that always seem to be set on destruction. Sometimes I fantasize about all the things I would do if I just had TIME. I would have a clean and organized house, the laundry would be done, I would bake and eat every serving of fruit and vegetables I am supposed to, instead of sneaking tidbits off of the kids plates as I run around getting more milk, wiping up said milk because there is never a single chance that it is going to stay in their cups, putting kids back in their chairs (because sitting in their boosters is DEFINITELY the end of the world).

I would sit and read, read all the books I haven’t had a chance to read! I LOVE to read, before children I could easily spend a whole day reading, becoming lost in the world someone else has created. I also love to write, I have secretly (not so secretly now I suppose) always dreamed of being a writer. Putting down words on a page and molding them into a story, a story that would do what books do for me and transport others to a life away from their own. A world that they could get lost in for a time.

I would like to spend time with my fiancee, not arguing about money, or talking about the kids, but just being us and remembering that before twins, there was us and the reasons we are us. I would like to think about and organize things for our wedding, and not worry about how we are going to pay for it, not think about the fact that time is ticking by and sooner then we know it, it will be time and all we can do is hope that we will find the time to finish the planning.

However, before I sound resentful of the life I have, I must say. I love it. Sure I don’t love never sleeping, listening to whining and fighting 40% of everyday and all the other numerous, not so glorious sides of motherhood, but still, I wouldn’t change it. I love seeing their happy little faces when I get them out of bed, maybe I don’t love having to have the “you have to get ready for school” fight with the daughter every morning, but I love seeing her face as she tells me about her day, and seeing her excelling in school. I know in a blink of an eye I will be having that fight with the twins, 3 years and my babies will be in school. Time flies so fast when you have children, so I have sworn to try, just try, to not think to often what IF I had time. Because one day I will, one day in the not to distant future, they will be off, doing their own things. Jobs and lives outside their mother and father, and we will have time again. So for now I have to live in every moment, stress filled, tear stained, giggles ringing in my ears, little arms around my neck moment before they pass me by. I may not always have time, but I will always be a mother, and that is more important then anything else.