Why I have been a shitty friend

Here are some reasons why I have been a shitty friend, sister, daughter and probably even fiancé for the last 2..well almost 3, years.

1. I have 3 children, 2 are boys who are the exact same age. They are always, ALWAYS into something, spilling dog food everywhere, dumping laundry baskets, milk, food and pantry contents. Pulling every pot and pan out of the cupboard, pulling the vent covers off, pulling chairs down on top of themselves, pulling their sister’s hair, pulling the dog’s hair, pulling the cat’s hair. Putting things down the vents, putting things in their mouths, putting things in the dog’s mouth. Fighting with each other, fighting with me, fighting with their sister. If you have never known the frustration of having two toddlers hanging off your legs, fighting over you and pushing you, while you try to cook, clean or do generally anything, then please don’t judge me. Also remember, they cause this much destruction in our own home, a home that has been baby proofed as much as it can be, so forget going to someone else’s house. The rare occasion we have to enter someone else’s home, I can feel a grey hair sprout from my scalp with every breakable they seize, ever cupboard they open, ever stair they threaten to tumble down.

2. I work, for awhile it was at 2 different jobs, and I do photography, all in an attempt to help my family make ends meet.

3. Just about every moment that I am not working, I am with my kids, fighting a futile fight on laundry and house work and trying to keep 5 humans fed and clean. If I am lucky, 3 times a week or so, I actually take a couple of these moments to shower..and if I am going really crazy, to brush my hair 

4. I live in a perpetual state of exhaustion, I haven’t slept through a night in 2.5 years. Haven’t slept past 7am in 6 years, well..maybe on a very rare occasion in the 4 years prior to the twins arrival. It may not be healthy but I admit, I drink way to much coffee, rely on a glass of wine to help un-coil my nerves at the end of the day, and don’t eat nearly enough or as well as I should. Yes I lost weight…no it isn’t because I had time to exercise,  it was because on an average day of work I walk about 8 km… I wore a step counter, I know. It was because,  in an average meal I spend at least half the time putting children back in their chair, fetching milk and cleaning up spills. By the time I get to my own food, it is usually cold and I have lost my appetite. It is because,  just to take my daughter to school, I have to dress and wrangle 3 kids out the door and into the van by 7:50am, this is a feat that leaves me sweating.

Ahh, I am sure the list probably could go on, but the kids are in the dog food again.

I don’t write any of this for sympathy, or the want of help. I do get plenty from family and I appreciate it infinitely. I know there are people with much harder lives then mine, I don’t write this to complain even. I only hope to give you a glimpse of my days, so you can understand. This is my life,  I love my kids and I am happy.  I wish I could return the help, and one day I will. One day I will be a good friend again,  please  don’t give up on me, that day will come. There will be no more diapers and baby sitters and crying and owies to kiss. I will have my freedom to once again be there for the other people I love when they need me. But while my children are young, I will do everything I can to be there for them, to be strong and help them grown to be the best people they can. So don’t give up, just understand,  for now, to be a good mom, I have to be a shitty friend.

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