They Almost Beat Me..



This is a warning. A warning to anyone whose children have those adorable couches, you know the ones the perfect size for their cute little butts and fold into a little bed where they may or probably won’t nap once and awhile. Whether the couch is princess, Dora, Ninja Turtle or Mickey Mouse or any other member of the vast cartoon selection, one thing is certain; the cover will be the most awful fabric you could imagine. It will stick to your hands when your skin is dry, ever crumb on the floor will adhere to it and if your cat and dog love them as much as mine do, that cute Sofia the First print will look like it’s turning into Chewbacca.

This is when you will get that idea. The seemingly innocent thought of “wow I better wash these!” And without knowing better you will unzip that Diego cover and begin to peel it away from the vile, sticky foam underneath. If you’re like me your skin will crawl at the touch of it, but you’re a tough woman, you’re a mother, so you continue on, digging out the little sections that make up the fold out bed. It won’t mean much to you now that they are not attached but after… oh God after when it comes time to put them back together..

Into the wash goes that filthy Thomas cover and you dust off your hands, thinking you’re one step closer to a clean and tidy house. (Yea right… you have kids remember) You go about your business, whatever that may be the list of mom jobs could go on for eternity so we will leave it at that, and an hour later you switch the load of laundry to the dryer. Again, an act that you are going to live to regret, you’ll see. Oh you poor woman.

Buzz. Dryer is done. You skip to the washer and think “perfect, I’ll just put these together and then turn on the new season of Paw Patrol and get a few minutes of peace.” Oh.. how wrong you are. You grab the foam, with a quick shudder of revulsion and open the dryer door. Wtf… everything you put in the load with the Tigger fabric is clinging to it as though their lives depended on it. You peel off 5 pairs of undies, 3 socks, some face towels and a teddy bear. Finally you have it free and begin to stuff the foam into it’s Doc McStuffins prison. “This won’t take long. Almost got it.” Hahaha… that’s funny, you poor sap you. You’re starting to sweat. What. The. Fuck. How does this thing fit in here? It’s like getting a tent back into the bag after you use it for the first time. The clingy foam stick to the clingy fabric and both in turn stick to your skin like the static touch of the Grim Reeper. At last the main couch part is in and though it looks nothing like it did originally it’s sit-able.

Time to stick in the flat little sections that make up the bed part. Hmm does the slanted part go against the straight part? But which way? Or would it be slanted parts to slanted parts? Holy shit they won’t go in with the back part already in!? Damn you Toy Story cover damn you I say!! You pull the cover away from the flimsy foam seat once more, the terrible feel of it making disgust go slithering down your spin. At this point you have begun to mutter under your breath like a mental patient, every curse phrase you have ever heard makes it’s way to your lips.

You furiously jam the flat pieces into the pouch like section of the cover, AH! At last it is in a relatively flat…. but wait! How the F is this going to fold up to make a couch like it’s supposed to? Maybe the slanted section was supposed to go against the flat section? Vice a Versa? What in the name of Zeus!! What will your friends and family say when they hear the thing that finaly sent you over the edge was a child’s seat!

That’s it! This job needs to be lubricated with a glass of wine… or a bottle (don’t all jobs?) You fling that evil foam pile and it’s smirking stupid Elmo face  down the hall and stomp away. Maybe you’ll do it later when the kids are asleep and you can drink til you forget the polyester touch, maybe you’ll do it in 6 months, or maybe you’ll decide your kids don’t need those adorable little couches from hell.. What are they to good to sit on the normal couches like the rest of us?

I only hope that it’s not too late for others, as this warning is written from painful personal experience, heed my words mothers (fathers too if any actually exist that would wash a couch cover.) Take a cloth to them, the vacuum or maybe some lysol. But whatever you do.. do NOT remove that Tinkerbell cover just because the dog hair is making her look more like Jack Sparrow.

You may have gotten me down little couches but I will not be beat. My children will sit their cute little hineys on you once more.

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